It’d been night forever, them walking like zombies side-by-side, gripping hands. Not like the oblivion he’d hoped for, or anything he’d expected. It was almost as if they were still alive except they couldn’t be because they’d just been incinerated in the overturned family car.
“I told you to slow down.” his wife said again. 
“And how many times did I tell you not to drink so much? But you never listened to me, did you! Do you Phil? You almost killed us again last week as well.”
“Oh com’on Vera. Isn’t it all a bit late now? Can’t you give it a rest? There was a cow on the road. A black cow! You saw it, like me, much too late! We were done for. Our number was up. There was nothing anyone could've done. And then having that fuel truck come the other way, hell, that was just fate; and nothing to do with whether I’d had a couple of beers or not.”


He heard his voice but felt as though he was talking to himself before he’d finished his second sentence because the darkness was so pitch black on black that they couldn’t see each other at all.
“Oh Phil! Even though we’re all dead you still persist in denying responsibility; as always. Think of the kids!”


Strangely, the kids were very quiet and well-behaved, symptoms of the fear and uncertainty having never experienced a fatal car crash before, especially with all the flames and smoke and heat, they were both quite engulfed.
“Mum. Are we there yet?” The boy whined timidly.
“Where yet?” The father asked sarcastically.
“I don’t know. Wherever we’re going?”
“Just hold daddy’s hand, David. Gotta be a strong boy  for mummy. Okay?”
“Mu-um, is it true we’re going to heaven?" the slightly older girl asked. “now that we’re dead.”
“Are we dead mum? Are we, really?” the boy wanted to know.
“Oh kids. It’s all new to me too. Heaven, yes dear. I think we’ll go to heaven. You will anyway. And David. You were both baptized and you’ve never done anything wrong. Well, wrong enough to stop you going to heaven anyway.
“but David ….”
“don’t tiddle tale, and anyway, you don’t get kept out of heaven for silly little things. Just big things.”
As they followed their feet the darkness came to be not as intense as it had previously been. Although everything was still unnaturally black they began to notice vague silhouettes and then some geographical features on a horizon until an other-worldly landscape tiny piece by tiny piece began to surround them and they even started to see blurry little patches of graffiti drafted quickly onto lime-slapped walls. “regret is a spur” was the first one Phil deciphered. “regret? For what I did, or didn’t do?” he found himself wondering.
“Look at that!” Vera complained, “vandals everywhere these days.”


“That’s not just graffiti. They’re messages. Read them Vera.“
“What do they mean by that?” she said, pointing toward the largest.
“Heaven for the furnishings; hell for the company.” chuckled Dad.
“What nonsense!” Vera chided, shaking her head.
“What about you mum; and dad? Are we all going to heaven together?” continued David.
“I can’t see why not. Heaven is for good people isn’t it?” replied Dad, “anyway, we’ll see I suppose.” 


“I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you.” said Vera in a cold tone.
“What do you mean by that?”
“You trying to tell me you never did anything bad?”
“Yes, I mean, no. Not really.”
“I beg to differ.”  she said sarcastically.
“Such as?”
“Not in front of the children?”
“No, come on. You can’t get away with that. If you reckon I’ve done something so bad then have the decency to tell me. None of this, not in front of the children stuff!”
“Alright then. What about the affair with Hermoyn.”
“I dId not! How many times do I have to tell you. Anyway, that was twenty years ago!”

“Time doesn’t matter. Especially now.”

Fortunately they were torn from their wearying bickering by the light from several flaming torches.
“Wow mum, it’s just like Xena.”
Before them was an unusually shaped building towering up into the gloom and fog, one moment appearing to be white and the next black. Vera wasn’t sure if it was majestic or hideous, magnificent or disgusting.
Gathering up their courage, with the children held behind them, they went closer and looked in through the partly opened doors.
Suddenly, causing David to pee his pants, a voice which sounded much like a trumpet, said, "Fear not! Come hither, and I will show you what must take place within these walls."
A smartly dressed ‘man’ holding out his hand became recognizable as their eyes adjusted to the strange gloom. “My name is Anthony. I’m here to assist so don’t hesitate to ask me any questions and I’ll do my best to provide you with adequate answers.”
The four of them, maintaining a very primal clump, moved to within the cavernous hall with walls that seemed to go up forever into an indistinct but darkly bright ceiling. A huge throne bathed in a hovering rainbow stood in the centre of the hall directly ahead of them but despite its ostentatious style, majestic dimensions, source of discrete flashes of lightning and peals of down-like thunder; it was remarkably empty!
Anthony spoke again just when they were so overawed by the spectacle that they’d already forgotten him. “I’m sorry to say that you have arrived at just the wrong moment. A very high level meeting is in progress so you’ll have to wait. In the meantime you’ll be able to listen to what the two teams have to say.

“Teams?” Dad asked dumbly.

“Yes, of course. Two teams”, Anthony agreed knowingly, spreading his arms to draw their attention to the smaller thrones half-hidden on either side of the main one. Seated on each of those smaller but still magnificent thrones was a being. One was clad in white garments, with a golden crown upon its head, while the other was a rather hideous horned monster, initially quite difficult to look at. Even more strangely they both seemed friendly, at the least, and the dandy on the left in see-through robes was almost too friendly.

Behind burned seven torches illuminating a sea of crystal which extended for light years in every direction; really quite impressive after the long walk in the dark.

“There” Anthony continued, pointing to the white-robed one, “is the head honcho for heaven.”
The robed-one nodded through the slits and smiled the smile of salespeople all over. “And there”, Anthony said evenly, “is the devil’s advocate, the over-horned representative for hell.“
Jets of smoke clouded from the minotaur’s nostrils as he grunted, almost shyly, and the humble family froze in his odd gaze.
Multi-faceted dream-feelings spread like a down blouse over the entire scene until Vera broke the spell.
What do we have to do here?” she asked Anthony as assertively as she could manage under the difficult circumstances.

“Just decide!” replied Anthony as though it was a really dumb question.

“Decide? That’s all?”

“Yes. Decide. The big one usually does that of course but it would be unfair to keep you waiting as long as I know he will be today. So, just decide for yourselves.” Mum and Dad just looked at each other.

“I’ll leave you to it.” smiled Anthony, as the family of four remained bunched up together looking from the robed-one to the minotaur and back again.

“Okay! We choose Heaven!” Vera said emphatically, breaking from the huddle.

“Hang on a bit.” chimed in Phil. “I have a few questions to ask first.”

“Such as?” demanded the wife, hands on hips.

“Vera. This is a big decision. Probably the biggest. So I have the right to decide for myself.”

“What is there to decide Philip?” she asked like a bride.

“We don’t know yet do we? Let’s hear what they have to say for themselves.”

“Yeah mum, how can you decide for all of us?” chipped in David, suddenly grown bold at the sight of his father standing up for himself. “You always say that we are individuals and have the right to make up our own minds about things that will affect our futures. Don’t you mum?”

“Alright! If we have to. But make it quick.”

Out from behind their respective thrones came the creatures’ assistants. On the minataur’s side were foul birdlike things with human faces, their mouths stained with blood, their limbs of women and hair of serpents.

On the other side were semi-human things full of eyes in both front and behind. The first looked like a lion, the second an ox, and the third an eagle, each of them with six wings, and singing,  “holy, holy, holy is the lord god almighty, who was and is and is to come!” they crooned while setting up card-tables and folding chairs.

“Do they do that all the time?” Dad wondered, but decided to start on the side of light because the oxish looking one was the least obnoxious. He sat down and started chatting with him.

“So what does heaven really have to offer?” he challenged.

Unsurprisingly the semi-human produced several brochures which it spread out on the table in a fanned pattern before starting to tap at one with his agile finger.

“Firstly, upon arrival in heaven you shall be greeted by innumerable angels in a special festal gathering. Tables will be laid with golden goblets filled from the clear-flowing fountains that are such a feature of heaven.”

“Sounds good.” said Vera, looking over his shoulder.

“From the buffet you may select whatever fruits or flesh of fowls that you may desire to share with your companions who will all have beautiful, big, lustrous eyes like unto pearls well-guarded.”

“uh hah” nodded dad.
“The place itself, the hinterland you might say, is rich and prosperous, comfortable, fertile, delightful, and fragrant with many sweet-smelling odors, rich in manifold flowers and fruits, adorned with jewel trees, and frequented by flocks of various birds with sweet voices.”
“Tell us more about the jewel trees please", Mum asked.
“The jewel trees have hundreds of thousands of colors. They are composed of gold, silver, beryl, crystal, coral, red pearls, and emerald... Their roots, trunks, branches, leaves, flowers, and fruits are pleasant to touch, and fragrant. And when the trees are moved by the wind, a sweet and delightful sound proceeds from them, which one never tires of hearing. Some of the flowers are half a kilometer in circumference, others up to sixteen kilometers. And from each jewel issues thirty-six thousand billion rays of light!”   
“Wow’ said mum as the lion-looking one slipped in on dad.
“Do you enjoy waterskiing my man?”
“Don’t know. Never tried it.”
“Are you a fisherman then?”
“Oh yeah, love fishin.”
“That’s illustrious, for there are great rivers in heaven, up to fifty kilometres broad and twelve kilometres deep. All of them flow along calmly; their waters are fragrant with manifold agreeable odors. And the sound which issues from those great rivers is as pleasant as that of a skillfully played musical instrument consisting of hundreds of thousands of billions of parts. The sound is deep, commanding, distinct, clear, pleasant to the ear, touching to the heart, delightful, and as I said, one never tires of hearing it.”
“But what about the fish?”
“You are a funny fellow!” he smirked benevolently, “and those rivers flow along full of water scented with the best perfumes, covered with all manner of beautiful flowers, resounding with the sounds of peacocks, parrots, ducks, geese, herons, cranes, swans, and others, with small islands, easy to ford, free from mud, and with golden sand on the bottom and all the wishes one may think of, they will be fulfilled, as long as they are rightful.”
“Does that include fish?”
“Of course my man, of course!”
“Are you sure?”
“Well, yes, where there are birds there are fish.”
“Okay.” said dad, still sounding skeptical.
“Let’s hear what the horned-one has to say about hell.” piped up the boy.
“Oh, what’s got into you David. I knew that heavy metal rubbish was no good.”
“No, c’mon Var, he wants to know, and has the right to know.”
“You want to know more like it.” she replied.
“Well, yeah, of course. Don’t you?”
The minotaur introduced them to a three-headed bird-like thing before stepping back into the shadows. “Hi folks, my name is Phagthor and I’ll be your guide for today.” the central head began in a surly, sneering way whilst the other two dozed.
“Somewhat different from the competition we travel directly to the seventh level of hell along the legendary river styx where, if the mists are kind to us we will see the wrathful punished and the gloomy forever naked and furiously lashing out and tearing each other to pieces with their teeth. 
Gurgling in the black mud, slothful, sullen, and withdrawn from the world their lamentations bubble to the surface in testimony to the cruel, vindictive and hateful lives they lived.

You will be encircled within Phlegethon, the river of boiling blood, as we approach Satan's wretched city of Dis where many were ensconced for eternity on an endless plain surrounded by iron walls. Littering the landscape will be burning tombs like sadam's oil wells. Quite a sight when the sun is low.

Inside those flaming sepulchers suffer the heretics, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lamenting their pitiless mischiefs. The stench there is overpowering, but that is all part of the ambience of the wood of the suicides where dried or dripping bodies hang from the twisting branches of stunted and gnarled trees and horrible ‘birds’ make their nests among the poisonous fruit. 
Beyond the wood is the scorching sand of the endless desert where shirkers are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gush forth their woe.”
“Is Elton John there dad?”
“Now come on, don’t be silly David.”
The kids were getting fidgety so birdheads lightened things up with some video… “downtown hell is more than just an iron-colored amphitheatre of despair“ a shocking presenter opined, “here hypocrites are whipped by horned demons while they kick and writhe with their feet licked by flames. Some wallow in human excrement wrapped in serpents, sometimes fusing into each other until they are ducked into boiling pitch to be torn apart.
When you arrive you will be asked to put your hands over your ears because of the lamentations of the sinners who are afflicted with endless scabs and lay sick on the ground furiously scratching their skin off with their nails. Indeed, justice divine doth smite them with its hammer.”

“m..hmm, we can get used to that.”

“Finally in the deepest level, where all wings flap eternally, the black, red, and yellow faces of satan will be seen with their mouths gushing bloody foam onto those forever weeping below whose tears are the only drinkable beverage in that entire pit of despair.”

“Fascinating” stated dad, “let’s have a drink and think about it, shall we?”.

“Shouldn’t we hurry up a bit dear? Really. What is there to think about Phil?” pleaded Vera. 
“Anthony said the big one may return unexpectedly at any time and, he’ll know whether you did it with Hermoyn or not.”

“Hang on a bit. Take a look at this. Remember the flowers?”

“Oh yes, they sounded wonderful!”

“But remember how big they’re supposed to be?”

“Not really. There was so much to listen to, and it all sounded so wonderful.”

“Exactly. But how big were those flowers?”

“Big? I can’t remember how big.”

“Sixteen kilometers, that’s how big. And remember the rivers where all the fish were supposed to be?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I heard that heaven is a cube less than 2,500 k’s to a side.”

“So?” queried Vera

“Well, for a start how many huge flowers, let alone fishing rivers can you expect to fit in a box that small? And how many people would there be inside it already?”

“That’s it. I’ve made a list.“  said Vera.

“What’s fornication? asked David.

“We could take a look inside those flaming tombs now?” Bird-head suggested to Dad.

“Oh come on you two!” begged the mum, “Hell’s a place of weeping, gnashing, torments, sorrows, and never-ending unsatisfied physical desires! Can we get on with it you clowns!”